Silence is Golden
by Miriala
Summary: "I lifted my hand to the handle... and let it drop with a tremor. I can't do this. I just can't. I know what I have now and I don't want to loose it because of my stupid feelings. I can never tell him, no matter what happens, unless he confesses that he feels the same about me. I need to just kill my feelings and make them shut up. They say silence is golden, no?"


**A/N: I wrote this about a year ago, just after Stan's birthday, so I decided to keep it until this year. And so, in honor of our our dear cynical, great elven Warrior, I post this today, albeit two days late.**

 **Happy birthday, Stan!**

 _Warm hands gently run down my back, fingers tracing my every line. I feel so good, like I had finally found the one who made me whole. Warmth spreads throughout my blood, reducing my mind to a kind of daze in which only this feeling exists._

 _Arms circle my body and bring me flush against a strong chest, soft breaths tickling the sensitive flesh of my neck. I close my eyes and relish the moment, never wanting it to end._

 _"You're just going to disappear, now, aren't you..?"_

 _I shake my head slowly, and feel a smile against my skin._

 _"No..."_

 _..._

I woke, feeling empty inside, my mind a desperate fool still clingling to what feelings remained of the dream. I rolled over without opening my eyes, wanting to relish in the warm sensation that had been left behind. I wanted to go back to sleep, I really did, just so that I could be in his arms again.

I knew it was stupid to entertain such thoughts, when reality was coldly staring at you in the face nearly every day since third grade. He would never feel the same as I do about him; that was the cold, hard truth.

And yet... here I was, sleeping on the pull-out bed in his living room, him only a few strides away, just up in his room, resting his perfect body on a much more confortable mattress than Springy here (Springy is the nickname we gave to this bed, as you can feel every single metal coil inside it).

Why it was that I accepted such an invitation to come sleep over for the weekend? The answer was simple: Dungeons and Dragons. Every Friday, we got together, me, Kyle, Kenny, Craig, Tweek and Cartman (much to our displeasure, most of the time), to play the game. The deal was, since I had no car and Kyle was my best friend, I got to sleep over there and be tortured by the thoughts of being alone with him. Fun, huh?

Nope. Fucking hell, if you ask me. Over and over in my head, scenarios played, about how I could finally confess to him, how he would love me back and how we'd be happy together. I imagine kissing him, holding him in my arms, doing nearly everything with him. Like the song, just "Kiss, Kiss, Fall in Love".

But dammit! I could never do all those things! Not with him! There's no way he'd ever love me back the way I do, him. We will remain super best friends, nothing less, but I want more. So much more...

I shifted on the bed once again, the warm feeling beginning to fade away. I tired to cling to it for just a moment longer, but it was no use. It was gone.

Stupid, isn't it? How we're so close that we tell each other everything, ranging from what we had for supper the night before to our first time with a girl, passing by what color our vomit was the morning after a party. Everything. Well, maybe not that last one; it's a bit to personal (and disgusting).

But the point is: Why can't I bring myself to tell him how I really feel?

Is it because I'm afraid that the town would look down upon us and shame us? No, just look at Tweek and Craig: the town fucking loves them, blindly accepting them and giving them money all the time. I'm not opposed to getting free money.

Is it because I'm a coward? No, past expiriences tell me that I don't run from my problems... much. With all the shit that we've been through, me, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman, we've proven ourselves enough.

But... maybe it was exactly that. After all our adventures throughout third and fourth grade, we four had an exceptional bond, and maybe it was because I was afraid of losing that special relationship with him if I told him I loved him in more than just a friendly way... Yes, that's exactly what it was.

I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. I guess I really am a coward when it comes to these things. I did the same thing I'm doing right now with Wendy: I was too fucking chicken to tell her my feelings and just ended up barfing on her every time she spoke to me because I was so nervous. Thankfully, I'd gotten over the barfing thing when she actually went out with me, so I didn't have that problem with anyone that came after her.

Ugh, this is so lame! It's sucks so much fucking ass, I think I set a new world record for the most shitty situation ever. To tell him, or not to tell him? 'Tis the question of the hour.

Then again... If I was super best friends with him, then maybe he'd just brush off my confession as another joke flirt thing that we always did and things would stay the same. Yeah, that's it! So like that, it's 'no harm done' and we could move on with our lives like nothing changed!

I sat up, with much protest from the springs in the bed, and got up. I was going to tell him now, before I lost my sudden burst of confidence.

I climbed the stairs somewhat quietly (as Sheila and Gerald were gone that night) and made my way to Kyle's door. I lifted my hand to the handle... and let it drop with a tremor.

I can't do this. I just can't. I know what I have now and I don't want to loose it because of my stupid feelings. I can never tell him, no matter what happens, unless he confesses (by some miracle) that he feels the same about me. I need to just kill my feelings and make them shut up.

They say silence is golden, no?

...

"Staaaaaaan," Kyle drawled out my name from my bed as I straightened from laying him there. "Wheeere are you goiiing?"

It was my birthday, and in honor of my coming of legal age of doing whatever the fuck I pleased, us main four and a few others reunited and went on a drinking binge. We drank so much that even I - who can hold my alcohol very well, might I say - was starting to feel more than a bit tipsy. At two hours past midnight, the others had gone home (Tweek, Craig and Cartman) and only Kenny and Kyle remained in my home.

"I'm going to get the pull-out mattress downstairs," I said.

"But Staaan! You can't leave me alone!" he pouted.

I bit my lip at the sight of his irresistibly cute face, a cute little pout on his thin lips. I took all of the self-control I had left (which wasn't alot, by now) not to jump his bones then and there. Damn him and alcohol.

"I'll be right back, dude. I'm just going to get the mattress," I chuckled and turned to leave.

A hand grabbed my wrist and pulled me down on the bed besside him. "No need for thaaat. Sleep in your own bed,"

"But you're in it," I stated, not sure of what to do right now. I think I should go, but then again... being in bed with the one I loved but didn't know if he loved me back, _was_ pretty tempting...

"So?" genuine confusion was written on his features, accentuated by an uncoordinated blink.

I sighed, defeated by the look of pure innocence on his face. "Fine then" How could I ever deny anything to such an adorable face?

By the time a got to the other side of my bed and climbed in, Kyle was out cold on his side, and I soon followed suit with one last longing glance.

...

I woke up while it was still dark out, only the moon shining through the half closed blinds. I still felt a little drunk from the alcohol, and my head was starting to hurt with the beginning of a hangover, the pain only a dull throb in the back of my skull that was easily ignored.

I turned over to my side, only to meet Kyle's back. I froze a second, wondering how the fuck we got to be in the same bed, before remembering.

With my thoughts a tiny bit clearer than a few hours ago, but my blood still containing some of the liquid courage we'd taken, I debated what to do. I could either turn around and go back to sleep and wake up to a miserable headache, or I could take advantage of the fact that he was sleeping and get a little physical contact and blame it on the alcohol the next morning.

I said debate, but I spared almost no thought to the first option.

I closed the gap between our bodies, bringing myself flush against his back and wrapping an arm around his lithe frame, careful not to wake him. I breathed in the scent of his hair, a scent that reminded me of the fresh ocean air; a smell that was uniquely his.

I closed my eyes and relished the moment. I had half a mind for feeling guilty about doing this, but the other half wanted more than just being close like this. A sharp twinge in my heart was felt at the thought that this was as close as was possible to what I truly wanted.

"I wish that it could be more," I whispered to myself, clinging a bit more to Kyle. "I just want to be with you, _really_ with you... It's all I've wanted since I can remember. I realized with Wendy that it would never work, me and her, because I was always with you instead of spending time with her. She dumped me one night, saying that since I was always with you, I should just fuck you and be over with it.

"I was outraged that she'd ever say something like that, but then... that thought wasn't as repulsive as it should have been. So there I was, for, like, ten years, keeping this nagging feeling of love for my best friend inside and trying not to let it show. I was afraid that if I told you, then the friendship that we had would be gone, never to be seen again. So I shut my mouth and pretended like everything was fine."

I stopped and took a deep breath, wondering why in the fuck I was talking to myself. "So here I am, cuddling you and stupidly talking to myself while you sleep. Wow. Guess I really do take after my dad's stupidity."

I felt the redhead shift in my arms and I scrambled away as fast as I could, for fear of him waking up in my arms. When I was sure he was still asleep, I came back to where I was, though I remained cautious.

Again breathing in his scent, I pressed a small kiss against his neck, and felt a slight tremor course through his body. I smiled slyly, feeling guilty for disturbing him and taking advantage of him this way, but... I couldn't help myself. I thought I'd killed those feelings some time ago, but the circumstances had raised them from the dead.

Knowing that I was really pushing my luck, but somehow not giving a fuck, I pressed another light peck against his neck, earning another shudder. I vaguely wondered what I was making him dream of right now, hoping that it was of me, but knowing that it wasn't. No matter.

I continued my teasing, gently running my fingers up and down his uncovered arm and felling the chills that it gave him. I knew that if I continued I was running the risk of waking Kyle, but the thrill of doing such things to him was just too tempting for me to resist.

Almost on it's own, my hand snaked it's way under the blankets and under his shirt to his chest, where I let it roam on his lean stomach. I caressed every line, finaly being able to touch the wonderful body he'd teased me with for the past years. It was like I could finally touch the exibit that said 'Please do not touch'.

Time went on as I did this, and it wasn't until I was about to stop and finaly go back to sleep, that I was violently pushed down on the mattress by the redhead.

 _Oh shit oh shit oh shit! He's awake! No!_ _Fucking Hell!_

"Kyle I can explain! I was sleeping and I was having this weird dream and-" I spluttered, panic taking over me.

Warm lips met mine and shut me up. I froze, so completely unable to move a muscle I think even my heart skipped a beat or two. It was only when my friend detached himself from me that I remembered how to breathe.

"Final-fucking-ly!" he exclaimed. "Do you know how long I've been waiting to do that?" he said as he looked down on me.

I probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Except I'd actually been hit by the car and was now laying on the side of the road wondering what the fuck just hapened. "Wha..?"

Kyle let out a laugh while I gazed at him in pure wonder and utter confusion. "Dumbass," he chuckled. "I just kissed you, and after all the time that you spent mooning over me, that's all you have to say?"

I must have blushed seven shades of crimson right then. "Y-you heard that, huh?"

"Yeah, haha... It was really hard not to move and just listen to you talk. All I wanted to do was turn around and jump your bones. But when you started to touch me... I couldn't take it anymore."

"Wait. You listend to all of that and said _nothing_?!" I sat up to be at his level.

"Well yeah but-"

"How could you! You let me suffer!" I wasn' t really serious right now, I just wanted to make him suffer a bit like he did to me.

"What?! No! I never wanted to do that! I-I-" He stammered.

Wow. Kyle at a loss for words was a rare sight indeed, but when I saw that he was starting to genuinely feel bad, I stopped him.

"It doesn't matter, asshat. I'm just kidding,"

I brought our lips together once again, my blooming headache disapearing in the moment as I pushed Kyle down and climbed over him.

"You fucktard," he mumbled between kisses.

I never thought I'd ever be happier to be called a fucktard by anyone other than Kyle right now.

 **You know the song and dance that makes us writers sing ;) Leave some feedback, if you please!**

 **-Miri.**


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